Embracing Alienation

It’s a startling moment when you realize that in life, you’re alone.

I’m not talking about the emo kid mantra “no one understands me! I’m so alone!” type of alone. I’m referring to that moment when you realize that the only person responsible for your life an decisions on this earth, is you.

Growing up the oldest of six kids, I was never alone as a child. No matter how badly I longed for some time to myself, for better or worse, family always surrounded me. And then suddenly, family gone. Jetting off to California. And of course I was so happy for them; also I was still in Florida.

And it was alright for a while, I had my dad and grandma, boyfriend and cousins. And then it happened again. Boom, boyfriend gone. Boom, dad checks out. And all of a sudden, I found myself more alone than I’ve ever been.

So the past few months have been spent trying to figure out how to embrace this newfound alienation. On those nights when I’m alone in my apartment and there’s a jar lid too tight to open so dinner turns to plan B, or when my door comes off its hinges and I have no one to call to fix it, or there’s a huge roach that I have to somehow muster the courage to crush, I can’t help but wonder what I’m supposed to be learning.

All I’ve come up with so far is this feeling of alienation can only push me to figure out who I am, what exactly I want from life, and what God’s plan for me is through all of this. I’ve definitely learned where my weaknesses lie, and areas where I need some definite work.

I’m a mess most of the time, to be honest I rarely ever answer my door fully clothed (ask my friends, it’s true.). I’ve forgotten to pay the electric bill and had to live what I call “hurricane style” (aka, no power for a day). I’ve messed up my car registration and been pulled over for having an expired license (thank God for big blue eyes that get you out of tickets). Long story short, I’m learning how to be a grown up. And it’s definitely a “learn from your mistakes” type of situation.

But I guess at the end of the day, to be learning is all I can really ask for. Learning to embrace the alienation and figure out this crazy, stupid thing called life.

Here she goes…

Alrighty well, here’s the new blog. I would absolutely love to say the last one was successful, but that would be a lie; fact is, I am perhaps the world’s worst blogger. Of course, I’m saying that in a blog post so who knows, maybe there’s hope for me yet.

So why now? Why a new blog?

I have a couple answers to those questions. Through the past, oh, year now I guess? I’ve gone through the toughest, most painful, feel like you’re a sailboat on the ocean during hurricane Katrina, actually looking to see if there’s a knife sticking out of your chest because that’s how it feels, moments of my entire life. And I would love to say things are looking up and getting better, but the truth is, I’m really not sure. And that’s the toughest part.

Uncertainty.

I can say with a passion that I hate it. I hate living in this sort of quasi-limbo, liquid state where at any moment something else could just drop out of the sky. But the more I think about it, the more I realize, that’s life. Certainty I think is a fallacy we construct to give us the feeling we have some control over life. It’s pretty comical when you think about how small we are, and yet how in control we sometimes feel.

But more on that later; for the moment I digress. What can you expect from this blog? Well, besides being the only other reader besides my mom who will read it (hi mom!), you can simply expect to hear my thoughts on this thing called life that we’re all trying to do to the best of our abilities. This is the place I can work out the thoughts that I hope to put into a book someday, assuming I’ll get eventually sort through my messes enough to put it all down on paper.

So for now I leave it to the blogosphere. Happy reading.